Weekly Horoscope

ARIES Why fall in love with a boy when you can fall in line at the buffet?   TAURUS Why let him break your heart when you can break his neck? JOKE LANG.   GEMINI Why pick your battles when you can pick your nose?   CANCER Why open your mind when you can open the fridge?   LEO Why...

ARIES Iwan mo na ‘yan. Text (His/Her Name) <SPACE> EVICT and send to 1111.   TAURUS I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to phone right now. Why? Oh, ‘cause she’s in the toilet.   GEMINI I think you have a secret admirer. No one knows for sure; secret nga ‘di ba?   CANCER Be open to possibilities. Malay mo...

ARIES Pagbigyan mo na ang sarili mo. Go ahead, strawberry flavor naman. Chocolate kahapon, ‘di ba?   TAURUS Magtitimbang ka ngunit sobra.   GEMINI ‘Di ka makakatulog sa gabi sa kaiisip. Sa diwa mo’y siya ang ‘yong panaginip.   CANCER Malalaman mo na ang sagot sa tanong na “Bagay ba sa ‘kin ang kulot?”   LEO Always remember that beauty...

ARIES Estimated time in traffic: kasing tagal ng paghintay mong mahalin ka rin niya   TAURUS ‘Yung sweldo mo, basta-basta na lang mauubos. At ‘yung savings mo, konting-konti na lang!   GEMINI Congratulations! You’re still in the running towards becoming Philippines’ next top procrastinator.   CANCER You won’t be able to fight this feeling anymore. Hanap na ng banyo.  ...

ARIES Huwag panghinaan ng loob. Kung kaya nila, eh ‘di sila ang gumawa.   TAURUS Book the trip you’ve always wanted. Mag-UberPool para makamura.   GEMINI Something exciting will happen at work. May kinalaman sa water dispenser. O ‘di ba, exciting?   CANCER Mapipilitan kang mag-let go. Of clothes that do not fit you anymore.   LEO He will come...

ARIES You will prove that love moves in malicious ways.   TAURUS A relationship will be put to test. Mag-ingat sa screenshots.   GEMINI Mapapabili ka ng something that will make you capture the na-a-a-a-a-ight.   CANCER 1,000,000 is your lucky number.   LEO Male-late ka sa work. Walang kinalaman sa traffic, pero sa eyeliner, meron.   VIRGO Break your...

ARIES Hold your horses. Wala kang horses? Sige, hold your ponytail na lang.   TAURUS It’s the perfect time to do a marathon. Season 3 na ng Narcos sa Netflix.   GEMINI Someone will make you an offer you can’t refuse.  It will come in a box, and you’ll never know what you’re gonna get.   CANCER Purple is your...

ARIES Magda-diet ka na talaga. Hahaba rin ang ilong mo.   TAURUS Stop procrastinating. Okay, next week na lang.   GEMINI Makikilala mo na ang soulmate mo pero ‘di ka niya type. Awts.   CANCER May magiging kaibigan kang sikat na tao. Peron aka-disguise siya. Itago natin siya sa pangalang Hannah Montana.   LEO May naaamoy akong promotion. Hindi sa...

ARIES Hinaan ang boses kapag kumakanta habang naka-earphones.   TAURUS It’s the perfect week for you to start something new. Something borrowed. Something blue.   GEMINI Tama na ang unli-rice. Kailangan bang sabihin pa ng bolang cristal para gawin mo ‘to?!   CANCER Umorder ka pa ng isang slice ng cake sa coffee shop. Lakas nyong tumawa eh.   LEO...